You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office. We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.
According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet. We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:
Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines? That was scary.
Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano. You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.
Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips. Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.
Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants. Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch. Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”
As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral. You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back. How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?
No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?
Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.
But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less.
Tools:
A thing
The ability to care
The restraint to not do so
1) Care a little.
In order to care less, you have to at least care a little at first, and then gradually allow yourself to care less.
For instance, if you would like to care less about bobby socks, you must first, of course, briefly try wearing them.
2) Find something wrong.
The only problem with caring about something is that it will one day disappear from your life, leaving you a cold shallow husk of the human being you once were.
Sure, bobby socks feel nice. But what happens if you wash them wrong? Will they shrink? Will they become uncomfortable once they’ve worn out? Will they lose that new sock smell?
You’ve been hurt before so you know what to do next.
3) Push it away.
By putting some distance between yourself and this thing you care about, it will affect your life less. Like with chainsaws, the less they can reach you, the less they can hurt you.
So perhaps it’s better not to wear those bobby socks so often. This way, you won’t have to wash them as much, and you’ll experience less pleasurable socks that will provide a nice context.
4) Care less.
After pushing it away so much, you realize you never really needed bobby socks in the first place. In fact, you’re way better off now without them.
Who needs bobby socks–or any socks, for that matter? They just slow your morning down and look stupid with sandals!
Why, you could care less about bobby socks! Congratulations.
5) Inform others.
Now get out there and listen for anyone talking about whatever it is that you no longer care about! Whenever it comes up, be the first to tell them, “I could care less about bobby socks. You’re an idiot for caring at all.”
Why would you read up about something you don’t care about? To test yourself, of course! You have to make sure you know all the latest reasons not to care about it anymore. Reasons, like:
They were seen with that person you hate.
They said terrible things about you.
They were seen with your best friend, even though he or she knows you don’t care about it!
Remember drunk dialing? It used to be so much harder when you didn’t have a phone in your pocket with your boss’ or ex-girlfriend’s number programmed into it. But really, drunk dialing is so 2003. It was replaced by drunken MySpacing, Facebooking, etc. (So what do kids these days, drunken YouTubing, Twittering or whatever it is they do?)
One thing that has not gotten passé is e-mailing under the influence. Good news, Gmail users, you don’t have to wake up in the morning wondering if you really did send that rambling manifesto to boss the night before. Yes, the developers at Google are taking a stand against inebriated e-mail with Mail Goggles.
When you enable Mail Goggles, it turns on only on weekends late at night. When you try to send something during this time, a screen pops up asking you if you really want to send it. More so, it does its own Google sobriety check, asking you to answer some math questions in a limited amount of time. Answer incorrectly and say goodbye to drunken e-mail message.
Now if they can find a way to keep me from drunkenly IMing my sister random advice, that’s something I could use.
Carnies, your treasure person awaits! Science has officially found the world’s stupidest person-Janella Spears, come on down!
For the Nigerian prince readers, allow me to translate:
Gretings! You ar now reding a stoyr abut a wummun and hir abilty to loose money. Like, a lot fo it. Despite poorly wurded emayls lik tihs artickle, even wons from “Presedent Bush, the Prince of Nigeerea, and Teh direckter of TEH FBI”, she still gave four hundrad thousind dollurs to a scammer. What a rooob.
College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.
This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:
Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.
Good luck with this bunch, professors.
_______________________________
*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.
Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.
If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.
People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:
Food comas.
Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.
With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.
Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.
But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.
It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.
“Get off my plane–please, you’re bending the wing.”
Sunday marks the beginning of Daylight Saving Time. Seems like it’s a little early this year, doesn’t it? I checked, and apparently it’s this time every year. But, like, winter’s not over. It hasn’t warmed up yet. It’s still snowing on the East Coast. How the hell are we supposed to set our clocks ahead so that we can have more daylight for farming? Seems like waiting for the ground to thaw would be prudent. If you were busy telling people off for making creepy comments about your daughter on Twitter this week, odds are you missed it.
Harrison Ford survives crash worthy of Harrison Ford
Actor Harrison Ford, 71, was injured on Thursday when he crashed his World War II training plane in California. The single-engine plane apparently had problems shortly after takeoff, and Ford tried to return to the landing strip. Doctors say the actor sustained a cut to his face, and broke his pelvis and ankle. He was praised for taking it down on a golf course, saving lives by missing homes nearby. But folks, he may have just saved us all from a Blade Runner sequel sure to tarnish the original.
Private secretary
This week, it was reported that while serving as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton used her personal email account for to conduct official business. The concern here is that the federal government doesn’t have control over her personal email address, so it can’t vouch for the security of those communications. She has since trotted out the campaign slogan, “Hillary 2016: I Only Use SnapChat Now.”
B like Mike
Forbes magazine this week published its annual list of billionaires, with Michael Jordan as the newest addition, even though it seems like he should’ve been on that list decades ago. Upon hearing the news, the few Atlantic City casinos still open issued Jordan a hearty congratulations and invited him to stay any time.
Yahoo user DepFavreSoopTroop1982 can’t wait to kick the Chinese hacker out of his mail account to start using Gmail on it!
Leave it to the Irish to sum up being able to load your Gmail in Yahoo’s mail client in one subheading:
For some reason you can now access your Gmail account through Yahoo
[Emphasis ours.]
Yes, come back to Yahoo for email. Please? We’ll let you use Gmail, and we all know that everyone prefers unsecure, spammy monoliths from the early-aughts Internet over anything Google produces.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
January
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.
February
Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turned out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. He would later step down as anchor after it was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, could not, in fact, fly.
Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.
50 shades of amateurs
The movie 50 Shades of Grey was released, and it had quite an effect on Western civilization. Branded merchandise like masks, handcuffs, and probably brands, could be found in the same aisles as children’s toothpaste. A U.K. hardware store chain trained its workers to be ready for an increase in sales on tape, rope and cable ties. And hospitals braced for a rise in sex injuries. A recent analysis of annual emergency visits in the U.S. collected by the Consumer Product Safety Division has found a spike (heh) in visits around when raunchy books come out, especially for foreign body removals. It was a Valentine’s Day to remember.
March
Private secretary
It was reported that while serving as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton used her personal email account for to conduct official business. The concern was that the federal government didn’t have control over her personal email address, so it couldn’t vouch for the security of those communications. She then trotted out the campaign slogan, “Hillary 2016: I Only Use SnapChat Now.”
Left to chants
A chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.
Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
A class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. The lawsuit claimed that the cheap wines had more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.
April
The mail gets through
The U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from, to no one’s surprise, Florida. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?
We all report cramps after ice cream
Blue Bell Creamery announced the recall of all of its products in 20 different states after several cases of listeria were reported related to its ice cream treats. Any food safety scare can be cause for concern, but when was the last time you had ice cream and then lost 10 lbs.?
Harm city
Protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.
May
No one wants Dallas
The Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.
Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs. The actor was in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.
June
Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman was complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy to rise after Caitlyn’s transition? You guessed it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.
Truly a post-racial society
The head of an NAACP chapter in Washington state came under scrutiny after her biological parents said they are both white, and so is their daughter. Rachel Dolezal identified herself as white, black and American Indian on a city application form. She’s 37, which is odd, because usually it’s white teenagers who pretend to be black.
Love wins in split decision
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. Across the country, people were nervously looking at the sky. It turned out they were just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.
July
Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turned to a dancer she was hanging out with and said “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions, but it’s unclear whether people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.
Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers surged among Republicans early in the primary season. That makes sense. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters would turn on him is if he said he didn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.
Lion low
An American dentist became the most hunted man in America after it was revealed that in Zimbabwe he illegally lured a famous lion out of a wildlife preserve and shot it. The internet collectively lost its mind over this. Walter Palmer faced possible charges in Zimbabwe, and in the U.S., the Justice Department and the Fish and Wildlife Service said they wanted to interview him. Roger Goodell has suspended him for two games, is expected to increase it to a full season if video of the incident surfaces.
August
Let’s see what celebrities are up to
It was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were getting a divorce, as were Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big month for 1998.
A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.
The Duggar affair
Hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. The most notable member revealed was Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.
September
The audacity of pope
Pope Francis toured the U.S., beginning with three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.
Das illegal
It was discovered that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which meant it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he was uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.
Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began the season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.
October
House wrecker
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy removed himself from consideration as the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan eventually said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
November
Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.
Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. It went well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”
Women just aren’t feeling it
The makers of Addyi, the female libido enhancer, said their drug had been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier in the year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.
December
GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.
It worked for defending marriage
A group of House Republicans introduced a bill declaring support for Christmas. This was seen by many as a direct response to the ongoing war on the cherished Christian holiday. It’s clear that in a country where the federal government gets the holiday off, there’s Christmas tree outside the White House, and every single commercial on TV for three months is about buying gifts, that Christians are an oppressed minority.
A taste of justice
Martin Shkreli, the Turing pharmaceutical CEO who raised the price of a popular cancer drug by 4000% earlier this year, putting the lives of millions in danger, was arrested on fraud charges, and was forced to resign from his position at Turing. There’s no punchline for this, I just wanted to end the year on a high note.
One day we will do all of our written communication through emoji, but today is not that day, according to a recent study.
Researchers in Israel tested hundreds of people from 29 different countries, and found that pretty much everyone around the world who reads a work email that contains an emoji immediately thinks the person who wrote it is an idiot. Rather than see the icon and interpret it as an emotional reaction, the readers just think less of the writer. On top of that, if they don’t know the gender of the person, they are more likely to assume the author is female.
The lesson here is that if you are a dude and use emoji in your work emails, it’s probably best to put an eggplant in your signature.
You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.
Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.
Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.
You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office. We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.
According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet. We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:
Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines? That was scary.
Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano. You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.
Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips. Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.
Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants. Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch. Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”
As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral. You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back. How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?
No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?
Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.
But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less.
Tools:
A thing
The ability to care
The restraint to not do so
1) Care a little.
In order to care less, you have to at least care a little at first, and then gradually allow yourself to care less.
For instance, if you would like to care less about bobby socks, you must first, of course, briefly try wearing them.
2) Find something wrong.
The only problem with caring about something is that it will one day disappear from your life, leaving you a cold shallow husk of the human being you once were.
Sure, bobby socks feel nice. But what happens if you wash them wrong? Will they shrink? Will they become uncomfortable once they’ve worn out? Will they lose that new sock smell?
You’ve been hurt before so you know what to do next.
3) Push it away.
By putting some distance between yourself and this thing you care about, it will affect your life less. Like with chainsaws, the less they can reach you, the less they can hurt you.
So perhaps it’s better not to wear those bobby socks so often. This way, you won’t have to wash them as much, and you’ll experience less pleasurable socks that will provide a nice context.
4) Care less.
After pushing it away so much, you realize you never really needed bobby socks in the first place. In fact, you’re way better off now without them.
Who needs bobby socks–or any socks, for that matter? They just slow your morning down and look stupid with sandals!
Why, you could care less about bobby socks! Congratulations.
5) Inform others.
Now get out there and listen for anyone talking about whatever it is that you no longer care about! Whenever it comes up, be the first to tell them, “I could care less about bobby socks. You’re an idiot for caring at all.”
Why would you read up about something you don’t care about? To test yourself, of course! You have to make sure you know all the latest reasons not to care about it anymore. Reasons, like:
They were seen with that person you hate.
They said terrible things about you.
They were seen with your best friend, even though he or she knows you don’t care about it!
It’s happened to everyone: you spend some time drafting a really important email, and just after you send it, you realize there’s an embarrassing mistake. The Utah State Bar knows what that feels like.
The Utah State Bar sent out an email reminder about its spring convention, which starts tomorrow, and apparently still has room available. The email also contained a photo of a woman’s bare breasts. There was no further information about the breasts, such as why they were in the email or if they would be attending the convention. Just boobs in an otherwise professional email. And that email was sent out to every single lawyer in the state. The Utah State Bar is investigating.
Now that’s how you make sure people open your email.
Hello, SeriouslyReader. How are you? Good.
No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?
Remember drunk dialing? It used to be so much harder when you didn’t have a phone in your pocket with your boss’ or ex-girlfriend’s number programmed into it. But really, drunk dialing is so 2003. It was replaced by drunken MySpacing, Facebooking, etc. (So what do kids these days, drunken YouTubing, Twittering or whatever it is they do?)
College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual 
Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 
With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.
Hello, SeriouslyReader. How are you? Good.
